My mind swims in a pool of memory
My emotion drowns in a lake of misery
My words seemed dipped in agony
Laughter now feels like history
Hands over my face my stature seems calm
Thoughts all over the place my breaths don’t leave my palm
Scared to glance into the windows of another’s soul
Afraid my look will foretell my role
In this story … in this script … in this situation
It’s crazy but my lip can’t stop its vibration
It signals tears are hiding … waiting for their time
Let them wait … not one will be shed it is not her time
The fight is declared useless with a single tear rolling
With tears in my eyes I flashback to what she was holding
A picture of me in my younger years
My belly turns painfully as I release my tears
Shivers throughout my entire body
Goosebumps as I envisage my mommy
Laying on the ground her heart not making a sound
Whereas mine starts to pound to the point it becomes too loud
Until it stops and I realize what must be done
Grab the phone through tears and confusion I give information
They ask the cause of the situation I display a slight hesitation
But answer sleeping pills and a lot so it seems
And tell them she looks like she is dreaming the dream of dreams
They rush to the scene and aid me … lift her up and brought her here
They pumped her stomach and told me there is nothing to fear
But the toxins might have had a slightly worse effect than they thought
So in deaths palms, she might still be caught
So as I sit here in tears that forced themselves out
With every second that passes I want to shout
Scream and yell
Display my frustration curse everyone to hell
But just when my head reaches fever pitch
Everything slows down as if I’m caught in the matrix
The doctor who helped mother is walking towards me
With every step he takes terror consumes my body
Until he stands in front of me and tells me she is ok
I scream … hug him and start running her way
And as I enter the door I can see her looking my way
And again my world stops as I hear her say
“What the fuck are you doing here”
Ma look I’m sorry “no get the fuck out of here”
Ma will you please listen to me
“NO, I refuse you are nothing to me”
MA how can you talk like this to your first born
“It would have been better if you were never born”
“If your father was still alive he would say the same”
“I’m embarrassed and ashamed that you carry my last name”
“Now leave here and never again show your face in front of me”
Broken and shattered both our spirits be
She broke our bond by her act and words so heavy
As I stand outside her door crying he comes to comfort me
My cousin.
My best friend when there is rain I know he will be my cover
As I confine in him again and tell him what made me and my mother suffer
“Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that you were my lover”
